it breaks my heart

it kills me to see others put down. it kills me to see this happen in everyday life, lies spoken over peoples lives. why are we so quick to judge?? am guilty of this too. i am quick to judge but i like to think that i would still talk to the person and not put them down. it kills me to see people judge others because they are a different race, or have a retardation, or something about them that they cant change. i make a lot of jokes, but if you hear my jokes its satirical i promise. i have all sorts of friends. that i really consider friends. but it kills me when it hurts someone. and why is it when people go to church, they can be the meanest and most judgemental? "i found jesus now i can judge others because i am great!!" is this the message they are hearing. because ive been hearing a different one. it kills me to see kids be forced to grow up so quickly. i grew up quickly. and now i spend everyday being a kid again. (part of the reason im still single is because boys have cooties...jk...but seriously...lol). it kills me to hear teens have destructive words spoken over them. its hard enough they get it at school, but to get it at home or from adults? what is that teaching them? im glad our God can handle us being upset or even angry. im glad that we are allowed. im glad that it is ok to be mad (just not sin in our anger). :) man when i get to heaven i have so many questions for God. i really think from about 12 to 21-ish is when we are really trying to figure out who WE are and what WE believe. (i think we all struggle with knowing ourselves our whole life, but i think this is really one of the more important times). where do we get this? from our parents. from our friends. from our church. from our peers. parents, and "adults" --- why are we not living our lives like Jesus??? why are we not showing our children how to live? why are we hurting others in church? shouldnt this be a safe place? where everyone is welcome?? one thing that bothers me is people have this idea that they have to be put together. i grew up this way. problems at home were at home, when you went somewhere, you were a happy family and when people asked how you are you said good. im learning to really say how im doing. i'm glad some of the youth can really tell me how they are doing. i think its important to have your life more open. :D ok im tired. not making much sense to myself anymore, and i want to read some Sex God, so good nite all!

my song

taylor swift has a new song out called "our song". its about a guy and a girl driving and she says shes sad because they dont have a song, so he replies

"Our song is the slamming screen door,
Sneakin' out late, tapping on your window
When we're on the phone and you talk real slow
Cause it's late and your mama don't know
Our song is the way you laugh
The first date "man, I didn't kiss her, and I should have"
And when I got home ... before I said amen
Asking God if he could play it again"

now ive never been one to have songs with boyfriends...well ive really never had one. but i like this song because life can be our song. i love it. and asking God to play it again. it makes me think of my song with Jesus. stuff that means something to you, but wouldnt to other people. great stuff that you wish could happen every day. my song today, drivin with my puppy sleeping in my lap, talking to my dad, going to youth and getting attacked by kids hugging me, and sitting, watchin a movie with parker (my puppy) laying in my lap. this is my song today.

today had its bad times, but when i think about what mine and Jesus' song would be, i think i had a pretty cool day. and a pretty good song :) maybe God will play it again tomorrow.

Whats your song?

my house!!...and a puppy on the way

ahhhh. i decorated a little for halloween. i bought a wooden hanging decoration with three pumpkins on it, and painted it myself, and hung it in my kitchen area. and i got a GIANT pumpkin that lights up for the front of my house and spider webs for my front porch. the next door neighbor kids came over and helped me put the webs up and man, those kids are good!! haha. i did the high parts (yes i stood on a chair, because im short, but i was the tallest...) and they wrapped some around the pumpkin, and just made it killer good! im pretty excited. its great. ill have to take some pics and post them up here. so cool...i cant wait for xmas. i cant wait to get a real tree and stuff.

im feeling more like this is my house. its only been about a week that i have felt that, and we are in our 3rd month here. crazy. im lovin it. and im getting to know my other roommate joann and she is really a sweet girl. love her.

oh and btw, in case you are curious. my garage is completely decorated....my room is still white walls...haha.

and im getting a puppy in a couple weeks. shes a yellow lab with a pinch of shepard in her. if anyone thinks of any names that are cool, shoot them my way. im kinda wanting either a name that has to do with camping, or boating, or something to that nature. OR something cool in german that doesnt sound like im throwing up in my mouth when i say it. here are some options so far: malibu, schatzi (tresure), fluss (river), blume (flower), schnee (snow), wohnwagen (trailer).....gimme some more!!! or maybe cool english words that i can translate and see if they are cool in german. so far, im leaning towards mailbu (like the brand of boats) but i still really want something in german. :)

good nite all!

what a season....

of change that is. Ive been a Christian for about 2.5 years now. And already i was able to go help with an outreach in Germany. Talk about blessed. In Germany there was a lot of crying lots of revelation for me (and others, but im really not much of a crier...) There was one time in particular where i realized how much i have changed in the last 2.5-3 years. I really didnt want anything to do with church. I believed in my heart there was a God but thats as far as i wanted to explore. i didnt understand about relationship with Jesus. When we were Erden Germany, I was wondering around the vineyards in by myself, and God really showed me how i changed. a few things have changed my life completely and didnt even know it. when God hit me with this i just stood near the vineyards, surrounded by the beautiful scenery and cried. a lot. i was never one to share my emotions. i was always the funny one but not even my good friends knew about me. its taken me a lot to really let people know that i have problems in my life. its hard. i was always carefree, and people always used to tell me how much they wanted to be like me, even though they didnt know me. i didnt share myself. i didnt know myself. i knew how to make people laugh and did what my parents dictated me to do. then i moved out...and i still didnt find myself. it wasnt until i accepted Jesus, that i started a real foundation of who i am. im still in process, but now i know who i am. i am who God made me to me. not my parents. not my friends.

God is really taking me through a season of change. He has been since before i left for Germany. Without knowing it, he prepared my heart so i could get the most out of Germany. Before i left i half joked with people that i may never come back...sure it was a joke, but in my heart i wanted to be as far as i could from life as i knew it. I hated my job. HATED. i really hated my life. my friends were just ok to me, and i knew it was me being bitter. Really, truely, there were only 2 people i missed when i was gone. my dad and my best friend. and i had a new job and a new house lined up and ready for me when i returned. No stress, no real distractions. I came back the same person, but i believe with a better understanding of who God made me to be, and with a better spirit within me. now, my job is FABULOUS!!!! i love it. ive been working there for almost a month! and it has flown by! my house is another story. it wasnt what i had in my head, but i know something significant is going to come out of it. Life is really never better now, but i know there is a lot more change to come. I just want to be able to say Yes. I cant wait to see more of who i am in Him. im excited to see what God will equipt me with. im also a little terrified. but i have to keep going back to my favorite verse: philippians 4:13 "For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength".

the newest thing that God is teaching me is how powerful words are. and how powerful HIS words are. :)

what do you want God

so i have a friend....not a good friend but a friend. and he knows the bible just doesnt live a lot of it. at all....and i have been feeling lately like i am supposed to talk to him about it. so tonite i asked God to make it completely obvious to me. and he told me to turn my music off...something that rarely happens. and this is what he shared with me.

we are the light right?? Well Jesus is the light, but we have Jesus in us, therefore we are the light to the world. ive heard analogies before but heres what God told me.

Im driving home, there are street lights spread out down the street. as few as there can be while keeping it fairly lit up. now. me driving in my own car, i have my own light. so the street lights dont do much for me. they add extra light but i dont need them. but then God made me think if i didnt have my car, i would be walking. then how thankful am i that there are a few spread out. i would have to use them to get home. what about if you live where there arent street lights. i grew up where there wasnt but we still walked home if we were at a friends, so we would walk a block or so in pitch darkness...but it was fine. a little scary at times but it was fine. a light would have been nice though....

ok. sooo heres the thing. We are the street lights. In our world i dont think there are a lot of us. but when people are walking in darkness and wanting to have that light, they will walk near the lights, they may even stop to use the light, but the lights dont move with you......some people walk in darkness and think light would be nice, but brush it off and keep walking in darkness because it is what they know and they are ok with it, even though they know that light would be good.

sooo. we are called to speak when we are called upon. what do i mean. when people ask questions, we are to speak our hearts. we are not called to turn off our light especially when there are people seeking after that light. :D

so this is what God is calling to me, for this situation. i thought i would share because i enjoyed the lesson. i want to say too, that this is just what God is speaking to be about my situation. :D

gut nacht. im tired and going to bed.

sober

sooo God has put this on my heart a lot...this is gonna be a long one, so bear with me. The dictionary on my computer says sober means "not affected by alcohol; not drunk". ive been listening to kelly clarkson's song sober...if you haven't heard it, its a good one. ok. first, my blog has nothing to do with alcoholism itself, but rather the idea of things that capture us. for some it may be alcohol but for others it can be a multitude of things from sex, to drugs, to lying, whatever your drug is, we all have ours. in kellys song she talks about how shes been sober for 3 months yet its still hard. her first line, "i dont know, this could break my heart or save me. nothing's real, until you let go completely. so here i go with all my thoughts ive been saving, so here i go with all my fears weighing on me."

There are things of this world that are not illegal but are still harmful. if you are of age it is completey ok for you to get drunk by the worlds rules. but its not healthy. This is where God came in and said dont get drunk. It is to protect us against harm. when we have something like that to give him, it doesnt make it easy once we offer it to him. its something we still struggle with. ask a girl that has been anorexic, and she will tell you that she still has a hard time with it even if she has been free from it for years. ask an alcoholic after 10+ years of being sober if it is easy. They will tell you they still struggle. We need Jesus.

back to the definition. "not affected". this is phyically not mentally. We struggle a lot with things in our heads. what is right and wrong. emotions and feelings get in the way of this a lot, and i really feel that Jesus wants to help with it. thats why He gave us his word. So we have a manual to follow. we dont always follow it, but if we are seeking truth we know where to find it. "this could break my heart or save me". a lot of our 'drugs' we cant get rid of. we feel that if we stop, we wont be complete because it is a part of us. we feel that, yeah it could save us, but what if it breaks our heart, what if it is too painful. 'once you start its just too hard to stop' right??? In Jesus we have new life. In Jesus we have his strength. Philippians 4:13 (my fav...) "I can do all things with the strength Christ gives me". not i can do all things. the bible says that God will never give us more than we can handle. (many places like 1 corinthians 10:13) but think about this. if that was the case, there wouldnt be suicide. for those people it is too much to handle. here enters Jesus. it is Jesus that can handle it. philippians 4:13 doesnt say "I can do all things." it doesnt just state that Jesus can do all things (which he can but its not my argument). but rather we can do all things with HIS strength. Jesus calls us to call on his name all the time. (Let my life be a prayer) but when things get really tough and we cant handle it we dont have to. we call on the one that can. I like to think that God will never give me something too hard. At bible study tonite, it came up that, He will give us something we cant handle. read job. but with the strength of Jesus in us. there is nothing that we cant do. BECAUSE OF JESUS. NOT OF OURSELVES. will it make it easy, no. but because of Jesus we can walk through it.

He wants to save us. He came to save us. He died to save us. He lives in us to save us.

He wants us to live life to the fullest. and a lot of times there are 'drugs' that hinder life to its fullest. I think it is time for us to 'sober' up. and place our hearts in His hand. and know that we will be saved and not heartbroken. but we have to give it all up. we have to let go completely. it will be hard. always. i think in time it gets easier, but never becomes easy. Life feels better though. and then you can walk in truth and know true freedom. not freedom by the worlds standards.

Let our lives be prayers. Let us walk in your freedom Jesus.

is marriage worth it

im single...no boyfriend or anything. but marriage is super scary. someday i really want a husband and a family. but sometimes i see people in aweful marriages and it makes me wonder if it is worth it. my friend is thinking about getting married. i see red flags like mad. things arent good now and i dont see them getting any better. I feel like shes settling. Thats one thin i dont wanna do is settle, but how to do you when its right? I know my past relationships werent right. because when i get out of them im happier than when i was in them. is it right when you are the happiest with the person? i mean there are always going to be fights im sure...but how many fights are too many. im thankful to know people in good relationships. the couple im living with right now, i see how perfect they are for eachother. but those that dont work, or where people are miserable, make me worry. I mean God gives us life to enjoy. what happens if we are stuck and cant enjoy anymore.... hummm. I've been told not to settle. and i dont think marriage should be settling. it is a blessing from God. its a gift. and you never settle on a gift...but im getting challenged by "love". the more relationships i have the more i realize i know nothing about true love between and man and a woman. hummm. so these are my thoughts. im not sad, or bitter or anything. life is the best it has ever been, these are just my ponderings. :D

like father like daughter

Matthew 5:16 "In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father."

I read this verse this morning and God really spoke to me about this. Taking God out of this picture heres his message to me. Children take on characteristics of their parents. Sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes its a bad thing. For me, my dad is a super caring guy, willing to go out of his way for others. I think i got that from him, im always willing to help people without thinking that i need something in return. My mother is subborn as all hell. She doesnt take any crap from people and is pretty set in her ways. I think i have this in me too. I am extremely subborn. sometimes it is a little negative.

ok back on track. When you meet a good kid, you normally look to the parents and give them praise for rearing such a wonderful child. if the child is bad, you look to the parents and think, "man they need to learn how to disipline their kid". as good kids, we try to behave well when we are around our parents company (or at least i do).

ok now God. When people see us, they see nice people or mean people. If it is known that you are of God and that you know God as your father in heaven, they are going to see your Father through you. they are going to see how God reared you. If we are truely from him, we will bear characteristics of him. And his company is his creation.

The kids right now are at youth camp, and yesterday a lady gave noel a compliment about the kids. they were at bowers mansion swimming and the lady came up and started talking to noel, curious as to why they were there with so many kids. Noel told her it was youth camp for our church, and the lady said "I knew you guys were from church! Those kids are sooo nice to eachother, and others, well behaved and no cursing or anything!!" This is what Matthew 5:16 is talking about. Good deeds, can be, being nice to others, or not cursing. and when that lady complimented the kids like that she was giving glory to God. Whether she knew it or not. I dont think either that the kids were trying to be good. maybe to a certain extent. but i know these kids pretty well. they are good kids. they behave, it is habit for them to be good. and for just playing at a public pool, and playing, they brought glory to God, and God rejoiced in them.

it makes me wonder how i bring glory to God. I hope that i too, can be a light to God's way. in everything i do. When im working, when im playing geetar, when im riding my dirtbike, when im out at my country bar, when im just hanging out with friends, at a house, or at a party. My prayer is that my actions and my heart bring praise to my Father in heaven.

church everyday

Me and miss amanda are going to be moving in together pretty soon (for a little we are both moving in with nick and kirsten actually too, soooo) we were talking about the fact that we are going to have church everyday. probably a few times a day. what am i talking about?? no, we are not going to sit and do a "bible study" a few times a day. but we will probably see each other every morning. maybe have breakfast. we will watch tv together. dinner on a bunch of nites. movies, parties. i know some may be thinking crazy. thats not church. why not? we dont have to pray everytime we sit with eachother to make it church! i pray constantly, let my life be a prayer, and make it just as strong as my words of prayer. (a secret, i usually dont end prayers when praying to God. I talk to him and then continue on my way. and then i will jump back in to conversation. if he is always with us, why do we feel like we need to close our thoughts?? if your on a road trip with your friend you dont start a story and at the end, say bye.....youre still with them) whew. back to my point....God created us to be in community. when me and amanda and liz sit and watch a movie at our house, jesus is surely going to be there!!! of course there is going to be prayer and such with me and amanda, but i dont think thats what constitutes as church. at my church, there is time to sit and talk, then worship, then teaching, then eating and more talking. i consider the talking just as much church as the teaching! and the words and feelings being shared are not always about jesus....i will have more about things we do for our "church"....

ps. im excited about the whole church taking a month off....i know there is still more discussion on it, but i cant wait to see what happens with it and im looking forward to praying with amanda and seeing what ideas are givin to us! :)

blessed

Im feeling so overwhelmed lately. God has truely blessed me with a lot of things. Friends who i consider family, and just a lot of stuff. God knows my path. He knows where i'm straying, He knows where i'm right on path. He knows when i will stray again. I find myself asking why He continues to bless me sooo much. I also cant help but feel happy and warn inside knowing that im not walking alone. God is still teaching me a lot. He's in the process of teaching me HIS way. and not my own. Its hard. My own feelings get in the way alot. This is really hard in the youth group too. Finding where my place is. and in life really right now. Finding where my place is as a friend, as a christian, and as a person in other people's lives. oh growing pains. its hard at times, but miss amanda keeps encouraging me that it is worth it. haha :)

on a separate note, i cant believe how God has blessed me with family. im not talking blood family. well blood of jesus family....hehe. me and my real family always have problems. I miss my dad soo much. and he lives 45 minutes away...me and my mom's dont really get along. (real mom & step mom). Me and my real mom are talking more which is nice, but im always leery of her being nice. My brother and me are getting closer. if i didnt have those people that are in my life now, it would be really hard though. my sisters: amanda, kylie, lisa. my brother petey. i love them all soo much. im really gonna miss petey when he is gone....and missing church has been really hard for me, because I consider them all family too. I love learning. I love hearing Louie teach, but even more than that, i love the people. I can listen to the podcasts. but the podcasts dont give me hugs from my family.

but the point -> Jesus has blessed me soo much over the last 2 years. It was right about 2 years ago that someone told me about this Jesus guy. And not too long after I fell for Him. It was around the end of May 2005, that I started my relationship with Jesus. And ever since the blessings continue to flow.

head over heals in love.

you know when you first meet someone. and for the first little while they are perfect. and if you could fall in love, you would. that feeling that they are wonderful. welcome to my life with Jesus. i've known him for about a year and a half. and i'm sooooo in love. this last sunday at church was great at worship. (for those that may not know, the worship im speaking of is singing songs of praises to God). i got lost in it. i forgot where i was. i was just calling out to Jesus. i got home, and sang more in my room. i got lost in him again. i dont know how long i was singing but i was lost in his love. He is that perfect love. the one that never lets ya down. that never condemns when you mess up because it is going to happen. rather he corrects. hes funny. and loves to tease me about things. he teaches me new things constantly. he gives me great friends and family. people in my life like amanda petey kylie lisa and soooo many others. these people that support me. but back to the love of my life. hes perfect. he makes me smile everyday, and helps me rest at nite. i cant help but sing out to him. i know it is only monday nite, but i have been singing to him as much as i can since sunday morning. he calms my worrying. worrying does me no good. he constantly tries to please me and give me blessings! and my blessings are truely overflowing. i pray that someday i can have a husband much like him. someone i can be crazy about. someone that will make me laugh and smile every morning til nite. a year and a half. im not bored. im excited and somehow keep falling more in love with him. im excited for the future ahead. i know it is good. i will continue to walk in the blessings he has for me. i thank jesus for knowing my heart and consuming it. i thank him for refining and not radically changing me. i thank him that i dont have to fit some mold, and that he came and broke that mold. i need him and love him. hes always been there and never let me down. im never lonely. im head over heals in love.

GOD! hahaha

God is funny. God is sweet. God is strong. God is not fearful. I just wanted to say thanks to those that have accepted me as family. or even as a friend. I have a great circle of friends. I continue to thank God for new friends i can adopt into my family. :)

i have a few new favorite songs / artists.

SuperChick - Wishes
KJ-52 - Waiting for you
KJ-52 - Why

and thus is my life. :)

"The saddest thing is you could be anything, that you could want.
We could've been everything, but now we're not.
Now it's not anything at all.
The hardest part was getting this close to you
and giving up this dream I built with you.
A fairy tale that isn't coming true.
You've got some growing up to do.

*CHORUS*
I wish we could have worked it out.
I wish I didn't have these doubts,
I wish I didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now.
I wish I didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and I.
I wish that I could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye.

After all the things you put me through,
tell me why I'm still in love with you.
And why am I, why am I still waiting for your call?
You broke my heart, I'm taking it back from you.
And taking back the life I gave to you.
Life goes on before and after you.
I've got some growing up to do."


http://www.stlyrics.com/songs/k/kj527575/why1003959.html

A.D.D ---- my opinions only of course ----

soooo 12-year old boy goes missing in North Carolina. Hes missing for 3 days in the wilderness with near freezing temperatures and you know what the parents are conserned about?? He doesnt have his medicine for his attention deficit disorder......im serious....check out this quote. its from http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/03/20/missing.scout/index.html

---

Before reports surfaced that Michael had been found, Kent Auberry said he was concerned, but not overly worried that his son, who's been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, does not have his medication with him.

"Michael has gone camping without his medication" in the past, Auberry said. "It's something he takes to help him primarily during school hours."

He said, "It's as worrisome to us as if he left his coat," but "we'd like him to have medication to help him focus."

---

seriously whats wrong with this world that we have to over medicate our kids to help them focus. lets just turn them into robots. for those in college or work, are you ALWAYS focused?? I have meetings every monday and wednesday yet i have a hard time every week paying attention. I think i must have adult ADD. TIME TO MEDICATE!!!!

I CANT BELIEVE HIS PARENTS WOULD COMPARE ADD MEDICINE TO A COAT!!!! seriously its like a fat kid on diet pills...."we dont know what she will do without her fat pills??!!!!"

and what, is he not going to be able to focus when a bear is trying to talk to him out in the woods?!?!?!!!

we are addicted to pills in this country. pills to make you skinny. pills to help you gain weight. pills to control your attention. pills to make you sleep. pills to make you awake. have we got too pill happy? man this makes me mad!!!

Lucky you!

im sitting here at work, and have a few spare moments so you get to hear some of my thoughts!!

God is really blessing me. God puts desires in hearts for a reason. I have been listening to a hillside podcast over and over. seriously. intense. (thank you louie for the podcasts! i love them) God has been sharing with me that He desires for me to be happy. Living a christian life for Him can still be fun, exciting, and happy. :) He doesnt want you to be miserable here on earth and then happy in heaven. Life is short why would God desire anything less for us than happiness?? complete happiness. :)

As i was driving to work this morning, it was dark. i thought it was prolly too dark for a sunrise, but God told me differently. He promised a beautiful sunrise. ok fine God. through washoe valley it was pretty, but not spectacular at all. i just dismissed the idea. By the time i got over the hill and headed down into carson, God painted the sky for me! it was breath taking just as He promised. :) i dont think ive seen such bright neon lines of orange and pink!

also, i think praying is built in when God makes you. much like crying. He was humoring me with days that i would pray (days with prayer were few back in the day). I didnt know God. I knew there was a God. i knew nothing about anything really. i knew there was supposedly an adam and eve. thats it. yet i would pray. i cant remember what i would say, but it would always be knelt next to my bed, hands pressed together, eyes closed, head tilted up. hehe. i dont know why, God, this humors me now. I sat and talked and He listened knowing i knew NOTHING about him! He just gave me the image of a child doing it because you are just supposed to, and it made me giggle. (almost out loud). hehe. how nice it is now to know Him. i no longer kneel at my bedside. i pray continuously no matter where i am or what i am doing. i love it when God teases me about something. it makes me laugh. its always in love.

i know when i first found Jesus. but i dont know when the first prayer i ever prayed was! do you? i really think it is built into us.

Thank you Lord for entertaining me. its a rough job, but someone's gotta do it! :)

seasons

We go through seasons of life. for me, this is exciting. i love change. i love new. i love moving. i love new people, new friends. Then there are always things that stay for seasons or for most of your life. im thankful that God keeps me guessing. He keeps me on my toes. I think it is important for each of us to "find" ourselves. My sister told me something like when you give yourself to Jesus, you're real self comes out. i think this is true. when we keep searching for Jesus, we find more and more of who we are. God made me to be who i am. He made you to be who you are. When we become Christians, He refines us. He doesnt change us. I believe that we have gifts from him. A tagger could turn to Jesus and become a great artist!! i hate seeing tagging around town because they are talented people a lot of times. and it breaks my heart that their talent is wasted on street signs and such. but anyhoo. back to refining. we dont define Christians by how we look or what we do. its the intentions. is on our relationship with Jesus.

Im still finding who i am. this is what i know about who i truely am. I love people. i love friendships. i love smiling. my laugh is loud and i rejoice in it. i love dancing. i love singing. i love worship. i love teaching people about Jesus. i love going out. i like a social drink with friends. i love when people can give me energy (sometimes i really need it). frowning is pointless. i cry when Jesus overwhelms me. I've learned its ok to be mad at God. He can take it. I've learned loving and laughing are the keys to entering into peoples lives. I dont like things extremely planned out. Im spontaneous. i go with the flow. i love road trips. even to the same places. its always different. im hardly serious. i believe this life is too short to walk around being serious. im serious about friendships. im serious about trusting God. i love my dad. i turn friends into family. i secretly want sleeves (yeah tattoos) but i'm too scared to do it. i love music. i love music. i really do love music. i have a hard time sharing real stuff with people. like problems and hardships. i can listen. but i only tell few about me. i love art. i love drawing, taking pictures. im a computer geek. im independent.

im still finding, how to let others take care of me. how to accept compliments. Where im going in life. who God will give me as a husband someday (in the far future....i think...lol). how to trust God that things i desire in my heart will be given to me in his time. a family, a dog, etc. hehe. i feel like i have to take care of people. so choices can be based on that. i have lots of questions but i know they will come in time.

i love seasons. and i love people. :) what makes you who you are? who are you?

prrrrraaaayer para mi

haha. and i bet you didnt think i knew spanish...ps, i really dont. hehe.

alright, so im giving in and sharing my "feelings". feelings that only Jesus and my best friend (here on earth!) know. ive never felt so close to God. and ive never had so many questions. heres a little about me. i really hate drama. if you have a problem fight with me, get it out and then we can be good again. i dont do the guessing game. 20 questions are out of the question. tell me how you are feeling and dont feel sorry for yourself in the process. i grew up following the foot steps of my dad. and then i was just one of the boys for most of my life. i have a lot of friends, but i still think im closer to the boys than the girls, with a few exceptions. boys can listen and be serious for a short time until the really work on making you smile and laugh. thats what life is all about.

soooo back to my feelings. I'm not on good terms with 2 of my best friends. and i need prayer. ive had talks with one, that seems to go now where. and the other im "talking" to tonite. I pray that we can both see eachother's sides and move on. i want my friends back. i hate serious talks. but when two friends are completely not speaking its dumb. im trying. i still talk, offer to have her come places with me, but she is stubborn and refuses to just talk to me. so it has been over a week now, and today she finally told me we need to talk tonite. shes hardheaded. and i doubt she will budge with her thoughts and ideas. and i will probably apologize to appease her and make things better. i have a hint of why she is mad at me but i really dont know. i just hate this drama

the other problem im facing right now is my actions. my other friend is trying to change me. and i dont like it, like most people wouldnt. my problem is i dont see a problem in what i do. i love dancing, i love social drinking. sometimes those happen at bars like pure country where i can dance and talk to tons of people and rumbullions where i can play bingo and talk and enjoy people. my friend thinks these are bad because of the people that come to bars. im aware, im not ignorant that creepy people go to bars, but im also aware of why i like to go. ive met friends at pure country. When i go there on the weekend, there is always a table of people that i know where i can put my belongings. where i can sit and chat. there are people that i can dance with. bands that like to share their stories and their hopes and dreams with me. i have a few friends and acquaintances from the bar. and more than not, i get to share my Jesus with people. you may think who talks about God and Jesus IN A BAR???? well thats me. One of my best friends Marissa i met at club underground. two weeks ago she came to church with me and plans on going everyweek (weather permitting!! haha). her parents may come down to reno sometimes too because the church they used to go to is not for them. one of her and my friends (that i met at rumbullions) is thinking about going to church because we both love it so much, it must not be all that bad. There must be something to this Jesus thing. Another lady tentatively offered me a job. guess where i know her from. a bar. we learn in church that church is where we go. why cant church be just living and doing what we do and sharing with God tells us to?? why cant i have church at a bar? because of the connotation? bar=alchohal=bad people=sin???? Jesus socialized with people. He hungout with people that werent "worthy" to step foot in a church. (who can claim to be worthy really?? i cant. i cant do something to deserve what i am given)

sometimes you gotta be silly. sometimes you have to just go out and have fun. i need to meet more new friends. im not ready to settle down right now. im not ready for marriage. im doubt if ill ever be serious. thats not who i was made to be.

mercy me song: "hope dont be a stranger, wont you help me make it through the day, then a voice comes calling out to me, youre never alone because i am with you and i will always be, and i will hold you because you belong to me"

thanks for reading. i owe you a cookie if you really made it all the way to the bottom... :)

faith like a child...

(remember its late, and i have a lot of thoughts running through my head, here are some of them in a scattered form. good luck)

who is God? How did Mary become pregnant without having sex? How did Jesus rise from the dead? How did he heal? How does he still heal. when i went to the dentist i had 5 cavities. when i went back to get them filled they only found 3 tiny ones. how did the others disappear and reduce in size?

im someone that is blessed with faith. when i say this i dont mean that i never have doubts. or a hard time grasping God. but i believe that the bible is truth. there is comfort. I believe that nothing in the bible is false. it is not a popular fiction book. i read a quote once "the bible is the most widely read fiction book". it broke my heart.

why is it that people can spend their lives searching for something to fill emptiness with (drugs, sex, alcohal, prostitution, gambling, tv, acting, cars, possession etc) and yet when the find God they start searching for more and more about God. Why when you hear about God dont you turn and read about budda?

the big bang theory. it makes sense. God spoke and BANG 6 days later there was the earth. seems like quiet a revolution to happen in such a short time period. no wonder there is no explanation other than bang it happened for people that dont believe in God.

why do i not cry when loved ones pass away, when i feel pain, yet at the thought of Jesus i can turn into a waterfall?

i wish that there was an easy button that would allow people to see my Jesus. I wish i could just tell them and just by the words they would believe in their hearts. when a child has a question, you can tell them anything and they trust it.

why can Gods own creation not believe in Him. there is no greater love than the love of our Lord!

how do you tell and show people your Jesus when they ask, and are seeking, but cannot believe? How do you know that God and the bible are truth and not fiction?

true family

soooo. me and robert were in an accident this last weekend. We were coming back from san francisco and i was driving and robert was sleeping. we were 20 miles from truckee and as we came around a blind corner, there was a giant rock in the middle of the road. I hit it. the rock hit the transmission, causing tranny oil to cover my back tires and back brakes. The engine died and the front tires locked up. And i was fish-tailing at 70. By the grace of God i got to the shoulder and was able to stop. and i was also driving Robert's car. i was scared to look at him. i was scared he would be mad. in my life, when i mess up, i hear about it. and i hear about it for a while. robert just looked at me and just said he cant believe i brought the car all the way to the shoulder safely after that. i couldn't believe it. i wrecked his car in the middle of the nite, in the middle of no where and he was thankful that we didn't crash. infact he wasn't mad at all. then was the task of calling people at close to 11 pm for a ride from truckee to reno. and now is the process of trying to get it fixed. insurance is jerking robert around. and its frustrating. but with help of friends, we got back home and he has a truck to drive until his car is fixed. the auto-body shop told robert yesterday that if i would have hit that rock 3 inches to the left it would have taken out the arm that holds the wheel on. and there wouldn't have been much of a chance at all to control the car after the impact. Jesus was definitely there.

my heart ache right now is that my parents arent really there for me. i expected more from them. maybe its my fault for expecting help. before robert borrowed a truck from his friend, i asked to borrow one of their extra cars until Robert's was fixed. yesterday i dropped off pans that i bought for my parents (i got them for them because they didnt want to drive to reno) and the first thing out of my step mom's mouth is what makes you think you could borrow our car? they owed me $96 for the pans. i owed them $104 for a plane ticket to LA. my mom debated on calling it even. they didnt care that i was ok and not in the hospital. but rather it came down to money. and using their possessions. God forbid i need them for something like this in the future. I'm thankful for other people in my life that i can call family. im not looking for sympathy, or money or anything. im fine. me and robert are fine. i just dont think ive been this heart broken in a while. and it hurts. really bad. do i still go out of my way for my step mom? do i keep trying only to be hurt again? or do i just live my own life. and take care of myself? what makes family if they are not there to help you 100% ? Thanks again for my friends, and my church family. i consider you all my family. thankyou for opening your homes to me. for feeding me some nites. for listening and talking. its more than i could ask for. And God really blessed me with the family he continues to give me.

my mini revelation....lol

so i blogged this on myspace and just thought i would copy and paste it over

what if i stumble, what if i fall

a new revelation.

what if you messed up in the past. what if you have sin in your life. what if you dont go to church? what if you dont know jesus? i think that there is a big change coming. i think a new revelation. its late, im a little sleepy, yet God has placed this on my heart so here we go!!

my friend katie's brother said it, and it cracks me up: katie asked him to go to church with her. his responce, "ill catch on fire!!". if you think condemnation is coming you are mistaken. if you are feeling condemned in your church, you are at the wrong church. Jesus came and DIED so that you can be free in him.

and know that when you do know Jesus, and you believe fully that He died for you and your sins, and you accept Him as your Lord and Savior, even then it is ok to mess up. im not saying to go out and look for it, but part of being a christian, is saying "hey i mess up and i need you Jesus".

if being a christian meant that you were gonna be perfect, then there would be no need for God. and then Jesus died for no reason at all. and the bible then must be completely false.

if you dont know Jesus, and are curious, pursue it. if your scared to go to church, come with me. i promise you will not be condemned. or judged at ALL. or pick up a bible. if you need one, come to my church once and grab one. or buy a cheap one at the store (one you can understand though!! there are different wordings/translations, and some are easier than others. i read NLT, New Living Translation) Talk to me with ideas! i love to talk about God!! its one of my favorite things!

going to church and pursuing Jesus, but still dont quite know him? keep looking. and reading. and talking. and know that you are going to mess up. you are going to sin. and remember that you can come back from that without shame, if you repent!! go to God with everything. know when you fall, Jesus is there to help you up. He's NOT there shaking his head in disgust (thats satan) Jesus is the best friend there for you through thick and thin. Good choices and bad choices.

know Jesus? this is where i am. dont feel shame by mistakes. they are mistakes. dont regret, repent!! regret only eats away at you. know that God gives you choices everyday, and it is up to you to choose them. when you choose wrong, go to God. when you choose right, rejoice in His guidance and goodness. Know that you need God! and know that He loves you more than anything else He has created! (this one is for everyone btw, he loves everyone this much!! even if you dont know him) look around at His wonderful creations, and know that He was 'pleased' with everything He made, but when He got to us, He was 'very pleased'!!! do not let the devil tell you that you have strayed TOO far!! too far is when you no longer believe in Jesus and dont accept Him as your savior anymore. know that God said "I will never leave you or forsake you". (hebrews 13:5) take that as truth. when He feels far He is closer than you think. He never leaves us. it says it in the bible!!

check out this site for what God says. i just found it and its kinda cool! http://www.mamarocks.com/guide.htm

impressionable kids and their parents

sooo most of my posts are out of frustration. i probably have blogged on this before but there is a lot that is new so check it out!

The kids at our church have the BIGGEST HEART FOR JESUS!!! Why is there trepidation with their faith in church?? It's like its the cool thing to be at youth and true worship can not be done. Is it because they dont know how? Or maybe they dont know why? Or are they embarrased? Im thinking maybe they dont know what it really means to worship. why do you lift your hands? why do you drop to your knees? is it to show others that you love Jesus?? no! its for you and God. Maybe those kids dont know what worship is. or maybe they dont know how to worship with others around. Alot of these kids live with people that dont believe their is a God or that Jesus is not our savior. And it can be hard as children to try to defend or to show your feelings about something especially if your parents do not believe the same.

another thing about parents and their kids is, dont you want to know who they are hanging out with?? Dont you want to know what they are learning? and im not just talking about what they are learning at church. what about at school. the devil uses good sounding words to decieve us. and thankfully a lot of kids are coming to us at youth and asking about them. i like seeing parents wanting to talk to me though. coming to youth once or twice just to see whats going on. what is Moses teaching? what are they being taught in the small groups? do you talk to your kids about what they learned?

I believe kids during the junior high/ highschool years are the most impressionable. this is the time where they develop main ideas. where they start to find out who they are. I tell the kids every week to question what they are taught. by Moses and by me. by anyone. they are sooo ready to take in and believe whatever. now is the time to teach them to read the Word. People can be wrong. the bible is right. even people of the church can be wrong (haha, believe it or not!!).

Change is in order. and change will come.