changing and feeeeeeling

my good friends just left to go live in hawaii. and even though i know i will see them again and talk to them a lot, it really hurt. and it hurt even more because i dont like feeling that pain. ive changed so much in the last few years and i feel like i can love better, and feel pain better. a friend helped show me that if i dont feel pain, i cant really feel great joy. most of my life i didnt feel. and now that i am feeling more and more, i wonder how many people i hurt, because i was hurting but couldn't see it. i dont look back and search, but its more of seeing out hurting i was, and i couldnt show that much love to people. i love people and i had lots of friends, but i also see now that i was not always loving to people that were close to me. and my friendships then were nothing compared to what i have now. some of those people are still my friends, through it all, but now our friendship is better. im thankful for friends, that i can call family. even though it hurt (and still hurts) to say bye to my friends, i have a real relationship with them, and they bring me real joy, and real happiness. and i will take the hurt to have the joy that they bring me. :D